The love stories of real life

Or "A journey – part four: coming home"

If you read some of my earlier posts you will see that I have a thing for a mermaid. The mermaid is a figment of my imagination. It was fed by very real facts as in huge obstacles between two people: religion, geography and marriage. It is, actually an idea of love that can be traced all the way back to the romantic era: we want love to be so strong that it can overcome all obstacles. Earlier there may have been some reason for this idea, just because there were actual obstacles to overcome, like war, disease, religion in a world that wasn't secular. I have mentioned this problem with our way of thinking before: ideological incoherence in time. When we insist to see ideas or feelings in the light of an era long gone, it makes sense that it loses its meaning. If love has to overcome almost impossible obstacles in order to prove its strength and worth, most loves in a postmodern welfare society must seem meaningless.

Maybe this thought can be traced as far as to why so many of us seem to cling to relationships that seem doomed from even before they were, due to the thought that if love can conquer in this constellation then you never have to doubt the value of that love ever again. I have recently begun to think, though, that this might be a trick of the mind. Relationships that seem to have a lot of problems may not be enriched with more meaning than the relationship between the two, that never wanted anything but each other and who live a quiet life maybe passion less but also without trouble. When so many of us are drawn to the dramatic relationships, it could be because these have more spark, more passion or more excitement. I am thinking that it may be a question of point of view: the lower the lows; the higher the highs.

If you are in a relationship with someone like the mermaid, you will frequently experience deep, unconditional, wild and powerful love and passion. On the other hand these feelings may turn to hate in a matter of seconds without you ever realizing whatever went wrong. Thus he may take you higher than you have ever dreamt if going, but he will also leave you coldly, claiming that it is your fault that he hates you. The fact that he will bring you to the lowest of lows, makes the higher seem higher. You remember that cold, lingering feeling of loneliness and self loathing that he left you to – and when he returns to take it all back you seem to reach a even higher place; a truer love. But this is the optic delusion: the high isn't really that high, you are just looking way down in to the depth of the low.

The relationship I am in is nothing like this. We may not have deep and meaningful conversations on a daily basis. We may not even have passion that often. But he is there and he isn't going anywhere. I think I may have tested him in every shape, angle and size I could make up a test for his commitment, and he is still here, loving me unconditionally. It may not bring me into the clouds, but it doesn't bring me to the deep lows either. It is truly unconditional.

I told him of the mermaid some time ago. He knew already and had forgiven me before I said anything. Even more so, he had forgiven the mermaid. He may not know Soeren Kierkegaard or care much for philosophy and religion, but when it comes to life, he is so much wiser than me and the mermaid together. We know nothing; we just wrap our ignorance in pretty words and create a fragile beauty. He does not use that many words and sometimes he appears less than thoughtful, but his actions show a thoughtfulness and wisdom that I can only dream of obtaining.

This is the love of real life; no obstacles, low highs and high lows. It is that he will be there to kiss me goodnight every night and lend me an arm whenever I ask. He will let me fly off and let me stay in. He has room for every aspect of me. Obstacles are removed by respectful dialogue instead of being blown out of proportion by big tempers. He says he loves me even when he is mad at me. For all these reasons and many more, he deserves my love, my respect and my loyalty. This is the love of real, contemporary life. There is not that many obstacles to overcome; only the ones of your mind.

A journey - part three

On my own

I left the couple alone for some hours today to wallow in their love. Even though they didn't want to admit it, they needed it – and I needed to do a bit of wallowing on my own. So I borrowed an IPod and walked through the town, knowing that these are not my streets. I have borrowed them from the mermaid. He is not here. I carefully chose the time to come based on the information that he would be visiting Scandinavia – my home – while I am here. I smile at the irony in this every day and still I feel an old dream stirring that I might just bump into him and be able to look him in the eyes. It is a dream with underlying tones of a nightmare, because I know that I would never meet the mermaid; I would meet a man. A man that cannot handle to see me; a man that I cannot handle to see.

His words are so beautiful, but they reveal the ugly truth to the one that wants to see it. Walking these streets, the mermaid becomes more vivid and more beautiful once again. But the reality also becomes more real. Words like "His wife is actually quite a nice lady" are uttered and I have to face that this might be the truth instead of what I believed.

I walk around this town, I see things he told me about, and things that I can imagine have inspired his thoughts on several subjects. I understand more and at the same time I understand less. Being reminded of numerous conversations about how great it would be if I could find an excuse to visit his town, I am constantly also faced with the fact that if he were to meet me, it would be awkward and tense and filled with negative emotions and my apparent urge to flee from the scene. Meeting would not be what we dreamed of, and that is ok; but I could not meet this person and pretend that everything was fine and that the dream had never been. I don't want that dream meeting; I want nothing at all: I especially do not want a meeting where every word and every gesture is meant to conceal all conversations we ever had. On the other hand I do not want to be the object of shame either. I am, however. There's not much to do about that; what I did and what I accepted from him was wrong in every sense of the word, and I should not have done so.

Thus I am the object of shame. He will be running away from the idea of me from now on and probably till he forgets there ever was an idea like me. It hurts being something to be ashamed about. Therefore I want to punch him. To remind him that instead of turning his back on me, he can face me and tell me to go away, and I would respect that. It would be nice, though, to feel one's presence acknowledged, but I know that won't happen. He has disconnected, he has returned to another life struggling to keep the facade in place; hoping that if he is perfect on the outside, then maybe one day he will be so inside as well.

I cannot handle having him in my life more. I cannot be the secret friend and I will not have a friendship that no one can ever know the origin of. I tire of this and will soon leave these streets behind. The city of the mermaid will stay here and I will leave and help him forget me. This was my goodbye. I won't look back – I hope..