A journey – part two

The abyss from the edge and the deep

In my first mail to the mermaid I talked to him of Soeren Kierkegaard applied to contemporary life: sometimes we feel like we're standing at the edge of an abyss within our minds. We know we have to leap into the deep to achieve that transition in life we strive for. Whether it's dealing with a childhood trauma or starting a new career or education, it may seem like a terrifying huge step where everything can go bad in an instant. When you're standing there on the edge, staring into that abyss of unknown occurrences, every rational thought seems to drift out of your head, leaving only the panic behind, the thought of all the bad things that might happen; thoughts of your inevitable doom. Kierkegaard enters this picture with his thoughts on faith. He says believing is like throwing yourself into a thousand fathoms of water. The abyss in my mind is these thousand fathoms of water. The more faith you have, the more likely you would be to take that leap into the unknown.

A side note on this is that the first mail from the mermaid felt like going over such an edge without even knowing it was there. I spent 15 minutes reading his confessions, and it felt like falling, losing the grip on my life without even knowing that there was any edge in the proximity of my life at that point.

The abyss can, however, consist of much less romantic aspects of life; for instance going on a journey on your own and suddenly realizing the thousands of things that might go wrong; the thoughts of travel doom!

The thing about these abysses of the mind is that once you have taken that leap and you are in the middle of it, you tend to find peace again. I found this after 2 hours on the train. Suddenly I could not understand what could possibly have been so scary about the trip. I was calm and actually enjoying the trip; I am actually quite capable of taking the train on my own; plus my IQ is more than sufficient when it comes to reading the departure tables. Sometimes it seems so silly, the things you were afraid of before embarking on them. But whether your concerns turn out to be valid or not, once you are within the thousand fathoms of water, we all seem to manage somehow. It might seem terrifying before we start and we may look back on an abyss we've already crossed and find the journey through it unbearable, but it seems we rarely realize this while we are in it.

In the physical world, objects appear smaller when viewed from afar, but the nature of mental abysses seem to be reversed to this, they seem to be bigger seen from afar than they really are when you are fighting the masses of water as they may come. Still, it would be a shame not to admire the people that take their abysses on and without hesitation leaps over edge after edge in striving for new experiences or a better way of living. They have faith. Faith in themselves, in life and in other people; they will not be stopped by thoughts of doom. I like these people and want to be one one day!

The mermaid, however, never got this idea. He turned me into an object he could hold on to in the abyss. I think a most important feature of every journey over an edge is that if you do it on your own without relying on others as the ones to show you the way or act as a safety net, then and only then will you emerge from the deep stronger than you were before. I may praise independency too highly, because it might also just make me isolated, proud and frustrating to be around. But I do like myself better, when I go there without a safety net and make my own way through.

To sum things up:

• My journey went smoothly
  
• Both friends are delightful company
  
• Optimism should always be the new black to me
  
• Walking the mermaid's streets makes him forever present in my mind
  

 

A little note on hurt

I want to punch you in the face
Don't get any ideas -it's not because I like you or anything


a punch in the face wouldn't hurt half as bad as I'm hurting
but I don't care - as long as you hurt a little

and just on a side note: if you decide to stop talking to someone; the least you can do is tell them!

A journey – part one

What the heck am I doing?
I just got on the train. I have settled down and trying to get to terms with the idea that I will have to use discretely urine scented public restrooms for the next 24 hours. However, there are thoughts that are a lot harder to come to terms with. I am going away for a week. Going to the city where the mermaid lives, actually. I am not seeing the mermaid. I am seeing mutual friends of ours. People I have not met, but with whom I speak on a nearly daily basis.
I took the step and ordered the trip, because the friend I am staying with was starting to get upset with me for always saying that I wanted to come, but couldn’t face planning the trip. So I bought the ticket. I felt quite exhilarated at first; then my mind wandered off to other things like my new job that starts when I return home in a week and gaming and my boyfriend.

But then yesterday, I had my Euro, I was nearly done packing, and then it hit me like a hammer: WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?? I have planned to spend an entire week with two people I have never met in person. One is depressed and over emotional; the girl with whom I staying. The other is fascinating, interesting and an awesome friend plus the girl’s boyfriend. On the other hand, I am his first friend ever. He is 29 and has up until recently treated other people like a strange breed of helpers that might come in handy on rare occasions, but otherwise he has stuck to himself. Now he has a girlfriend and a friend, and we are meeting up all three. I seem to be the one that is most nervous about this. They only know my inner life; my humor, my thoughts, my dreams. They do not know that I can get very shy, silent and insecure. What if I get this way and these two fragile beings take it as rejection? None of them deal well with hurt and rejection. I know I can come off so cold and strange if I get insecure. I just hope they know me well enough not to be freaked by this.

Then the next thought appears: what if they are nothing like what they seem to be on chat? What if they are not funny? What if they are too touchy-feely when I am present? I am going to spend a week with these two people. What if we hate each other in real life? What was I thinking ordering such a long trip? I must have been out of my mind!

I am going by train; all the way! I will not reach my destination for another 20 hours. I have to switch trains in three hours. I am so scared of making any mistakes; getting on the wrong train or being late… being LATE!! I have made sure that I have 90 minutes to switch trains. My grown up self tries to tell that other, scared part of me that everything will be fine. And if worse comes to worst, I will take another train home again and the only thing lost will be a sum of money and a week that I am so worried about right now. That’s not something to be so scared about that your body starts pumping out stress hormones. “Just .. go with the flow” I tell myself. Wherever you end up, it’s where you are supposed to go. I cannot shield myself from making mistakes. Mistakes are bound to happen, and they will always look like they are the right thing to do at that time.

I am drowsy from pills against motion sickness. I take them just in case. I hate the thought of being sick and even the fear of getting sick can make me sick. So I take a pill and forget to worry. I started to fade out drowsily, thinking about my new life that starts when I get back: my new job at a new school. It’s the perfect job for, but the distance isn’t, so for the first month, I will have to go by train. I did that once before, but back when I was doing a job I really hated. In the mornings on the train, I would often dream about not getting off the train, but just keep going and end up in Europe somewhere and just stay there indefinitely, doing nothing but what ‘I really wanted to do.
Now the dream is becoming reality: I am traveling. It might only be for a week, but I am going out there, down the road; and apparently I have trouble enjoying that I’m living the dream.