A journey – part one

What the heck am I doing?
I just got on the train. I have settled down and trying to get to terms with the idea that I will have to use discretely urine scented public restrooms for the next 24 hours. However, there are thoughts that are a lot harder to come to terms with. I am going away for a week. Going to the city where the mermaid lives, actually. I am not seeing the mermaid. I am seeing mutual friends of ours. People I have not met, but with whom I speak on a nearly daily basis.
I took the step and ordered the trip, because the friend I am staying with was starting to get upset with me for always saying that I wanted to come, but couldn’t face planning the trip. So I bought the ticket. I felt quite exhilarated at first; then my mind wandered off to other things like my new job that starts when I return home in a week and gaming and my boyfriend.

But then yesterday, I had my Euro, I was nearly done packing, and then it hit me like a hammer: WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?? I have planned to spend an entire week with two people I have never met in person. One is depressed and over emotional; the girl with whom I staying. The other is fascinating, interesting and an awesome friend plus the girl’s boyfriend. On the other hand, I am his first friend ever. He is 29 and has up until recently treated other people like a strange breed of helpers that might come in handy on rare occasions, but otherwise he has stuck to himself. Now he has a girlfriend and a friend, and we are meeting up all three. I seem to be the one that is most nervous about this. They only know my inner life; my humor, my thoughts, my dreams. They do not know that I can get very shy, silent and insecure. What if I get this way and these two fragile beings take it as rejection? None of them deal well with hurt and rejection. I know I can come off so cold and strange if I get insecure. I just hope they know me well enough not to be freaked by this.

Then the next thought appears: what if they are nothing like what they seem to be on chat? What if they are not funny? What if they are too touchy-feely when I am present? I am going to spend a week with these two people. What if we hate each other in real life? What was I thinking ordering such a long trip? I must have been out of my mind!

I am going by train; all the way! I will not reach my destination for another 20 hours. I have to switch trains in three hours. I am so scared of making any mistakes; getting on the wrong train or being late… being LATE!! I have made sure that I have 90 minutes to switch trains. My grown up self tries to tell that other, scared part of me that everything will be fine. And if worse comes to worst, I will take another train home again and the only thing lost will be a sum of money and a week that I am so worried about right now. That’s not something to be so scared about that your body starts pumping out stress hormones. “Just .. go with the flow” I tell myself. Wherever you end up, it’s where you are supposed to go. I cannot shield myself from making mistakes. Mistakes are bound to happen, and they will always look like they are the right thing to do at that time.

I am drowsy from pills against motion sickness. I take them just in case. I hate the thought of being sick and even the fear of getting sick can make me sick. So I take a pill and forget to worry. I started to fade out drowsily, thinking about my new life that starts when I get back: my new job at a new school. It’s the perfect job for, but the distance isn’t, so for the first month, I will have to go by train. I did that once before, but back when I was doing a job I really hated. In the mornings on the train, I would often dream about not getting off the train, but just keep going and end up in Europe somewhere and just stay there indefinitely, doing nothing but what ‘I really wanted to do.
Now the dream is becoming reality: I am traveling. It might only be for a week, but I am going out there, down the road; and apparently I have trouble enjoying that I’m living the dream.